Ennui. Lifted.

I am looking out the window this morning and I am relieved to see the sun burning off the haze that was covering a subdued landscape. Sadly, my photo does not capture the real change from grey up to a clean blue but that’s what I see.

Not gonna say I am my old self but I am feeling pretty good today. Right on cue (according to my frantic googling about four days ago), I woke to a monochromatic world washed in gloom. And, after almost a week of a dragging ennui, I can see why people drink. My heart really goes out to folks with depression cause, I wanna say, this week almost killed me.

I can take adversity. Many of you know that I have dealt with my fair share. I usually have this ability to soldier through (sometimes with a sense of humour) and also keep my eye on that wee point in the horizon: I can pretty much always see where I am going. These are super-powers. Run of the mill, boring — but super-powers nonetheless.

WTF when the super-powers disappear! It’s the utter pointlessness of it all.

Enjoying your coffee?

The why is usually pretty easy for me. Not being religious, I tend away from needing an external source to justify my existence and instead put my hand on my chest and, feeling the beating of my heart, I am reminded what a gift life is. Well, that’s normally  enough. Otherwise, I just look at my daughter’s face. That clinches the thing. I know why I am here.

For about a week there, nothing was working and I figure that’s gotta be something like what depression is like. My heart, my head, my hugs go to the folks for whom the world has frosted and the sun’s light thin. I only had a week of this.

Oddly, I feel like the world is new. (This feeling is pretty much right on cue as well, apparently. I say this because taking a break from alcohol is a quantifiable process – everybody has to go through the things.) Even though all the problems from yesterday still dog me today (and there are some number, let me tell you), I am looking out the window this morning and seeing a brighter sky.

I would like this re-birth to find me standing on solid ground. I would like this re-birth to light my path as I launch my daughter and I prepare for my own quiet years.

Wait. Who the f*** am I kidding? I will never be quiet.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *